30 Aug Awake & Dating
Originally written by Amber Jackson Cousins and posted on August 29,2107 on www.angeloakwellnessandwriting.com/blog
I’ve received more than one comment over the last year or so that I should write a blog about conscious dating, or dating while actively pursuing my spiritual journey. I’ve shied away from this idea merely because dating is hard enough without sharing it with the world, let alone sharing it from what is supposed to be a ‘higher’ perspective. Really? Ugh.
That aside, I’m doing it anyway and this is my weak attempt at a start. I’ve entertained the idea and, let’s face it, it’s not like there’s a plethora of people out there writing about this topic and, with the energy on the planet as intense as it is and with as many people waking up and breaking up as there are, my intuition tells me I need to get over myself and share my thoughts, reflections and stories. I’m going to attempt to shine some light on the darkness that is called dating. I make no promises as to my ability to do so in a professional, awake and self aware manner. Nor can I claim that I will not upset and/or burn some bridges in the process.
Let’s begin with a little background on myself. I’ve been a relationship girl all my life.
From the time I was allowed to talk to the boys on the phone in middle school, until, embarassingly, fairly recently, it was relationships or bust. I didn’t know how to ‘date’. A guy may have thought he was taking me out on a date, but it inevitably led to a full blown relationship. I had three serious boyfriends in high school and when I got to college, I met my future ex-husband during the spring semester of my freshman year. 11 years later, we had been married and divorced. It was at this point in my life that I actually started to understand the references to single life in TV shows and movies. Yay for me! lol Not.
Anyway, I embraced the single life and my spiritual journey at the same time. The irony of this little fact is not lost on me now, almost 9 years later, now that I understand that it is only through relationships and their challenges that I have learned the most about myself. All these years, I have lamented the single life, but the single life is the very thing that has catapulted me forward on my spiritual journey. Hindsight is always 20/20.
What I can share with you now is that in dating, and in life, boundaries are imperative. I’ve learned this the hard way. Mostly by not having any when this all began. lol So, if you will indulge me, I will bestow a bit of wisdom upon you. You’re welcome. You can thank me later after you’ve not taken my advice and learned it all the hard way. Ha ha! It’s one thing to have an idea that you shouldn’t do something but it is entirely different to know, deep down to your toes, that you won’t ever do that again. Experience is the best teacher. Regardless, I will share what I have learned. ***Disclaimer: These are MY boundaries. They don’t have to be yours. Take them or leave them, but use them as a starting point. In the beginning, you may not have as many boundaries as I do. Trial and error will teach you which boundaries you personally need, and which ones you don’t.
- Must have a good picture of his face on his dating profile (if that’s where we met) Sunglasses or ball cap on in every picture or nothing but up-the-nose shots or poorly lit pics do not fly. If I can’t see what you look like then I have no idea if I’m attracted to you. Consequently, I won’t even bother engaging.
- No addictions. (Chocolate, babies and puppies are ok, though)
- Must be divorced and/or single
- Must have job/car and live in own home. (Not living with mom/dad or still sharing a home with ex) This is a no brainer. I mean, come on.
- Doesn’t send dick pics or ask for naked pics from me. As the woman, I reserve the right to make that offer when and if I’m ready to.
- Doesn’t call me at 9pm asking to ‘hang out’ that same night (aka booty call)
- Invites me on an actual date vs ‘hanging out’
- Asks for meeting/date more than 24 hours in advance
- Has basic manners. Ex. opens doors, walks next to me, offers to pay, etc.
- Asks questions and is interested in me. Meaning, I don’t have got carry the conversation and insert information about myself.
- Is attentive and has the ability to put his phone down while out with me.
- Good relationship with ex/baby mama
- Good relationship with children (aka isn’t wrought with guilt and shame over a divorce & how its affected the kids)
- Has feelings, can own them and can even express them.
- Isn’t afraid to ask for what he wants yet doesn’t demand it either.
- Doesn’t use sarcasm as main mode of communication. (Passive aggressive behavior can really fuck with your head if you proceed into a committed relationship. Unless, of course, that’s YOUR main mode of communication and then, by all means, disregard this one.)
- Has a job that allows him to be home and present, emotionally and physically.
This may be a long list for some. These things are included because I have actually encountered every single one of these issues in my dating adventures. Every. Single. One. I only actually verbalize or put into writing numbers 2, 3 & 4. All others are surmised by interaction with a potential date.
Having shared all of the above, this doesn’t even touch on the topics of similar interests, lifestyles, beliefs and/or goals, not to mention chemistry. I’ve had quite a few interactions with men where all of the above are met, including similar interests. Unfortunately, when we met up….they were brother energy vs romantic energy. But that’s a whole other blog post! LOL
Until next time….